Test and Apologize: When Apologies Turn Manipulative
Learn how to spot the rhetorical pattern designed to test and manipulate your boundaries.
If you’re a woman on a dating app, I’m sure you’ve been there. You match with a guy and the first message he sends you is, “Hey sexy, how you doing?”
You roll your eyes, consider if it’s even worth your time, then type, “‘Hey sexy’, really? 🙄”
A few moments later, he messages again, “Sorry if that was too forward. Just wanted you to know how gorgeous you were.”
This is an example of the rhetorical pattern, “Test and Apologize”.
This pattern stems from the Burned Haystack Dating Method, invented by Jennie Young, a professor with a PhD in rhetoric.
Fed up with the challenges of dating, in a moment of frustration, Young googled, “How do you find a needle in a haystack?”
The answer: “You burn all the hay.”
And so, the Burned Haystack Method was born. Young teaches women various negative rhetoric patterns to watch out for in dating, such as the ever-common, “Test and Apologize”. She then, advises you not only to unmatch, but to block, any men who use these patterns. Blocking prevents them from being recycled through the app, hence, burning your haystack.
I discovered this dating method only a couple of months ago, and it’s already revitalized how I online date. Where before, I felt like I was half-hazardly sifting through hay, unable to tell straw from needle, now, I had a clear objective. I knew exactly what to look for.
It wasn’t long before I came across my first “Test and Apologize” but it wasn’t exactly as I had expected. It was much subtler. While Young often teaches the pattern using an unwarranted sexual remark, I learned the pattern can show itself in many ways.
When I matched with “Brody” on Bumble I made it clear I wanted to keep things lighthearted as I’d only recently gotten out of a relationship. He responded positively, saying he was happy to keep things friendly.
A few days later, we met up to see a movie. I immediately noticed that he reeked of cigarettes (something I must have uncharacteristically overlooked on his profile). He also wore a tiny pair of sunglasses that gave him an uncanny resemblance to one of the Three Blind Mice. I immediately had the “ick”. After introductions, we bought popcorn, found our seats and made awkward small talk as I internally pleaded for the movie to start.
He lingered a little too long as we said our goodbyes. I kept my distance, feet planted firmly towards the exit. Brody suggested that next time, we should do something where we can get to know each other better. I knew I had little to no desire to see him again, but he seemed insistent.
A week later, Brody invited me to an arcade. I still wasn’t keen, but I had a couple of free hours on Saturday I needed to kill, so I agreed. Who knows? Maybe I’d judged him too harshly. I suggested the day and time. Saturday at 11 am. He told me that would work, but he was only free until 5 that day, if that was okay with me, of course.
Only?! Until 5?! A wave of unease passed over me. Suddenly, I felt as though we were on very different pages. I’d made it clear I wanted to keep things low-key, and by suggesting a potentially over 6-hour period, Brody had other intentions. This was my first indication Brody was not going to respect my boundaries. I knew I no longer wanted to go, but I couldn’t help but feel perhaps I was overreacting (a narrative women are too often sold about themselves).
Swallowing my nerves, I attempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and explain my discomfort. Brody apologized, but rather than validating my emotions, he made excuses for his behaviour. This just further proved, that my feelings were not his concern.
At that moment, I realized this was not a real apology. This was a “Test and Apologize”. Young teaches that, while, the test is real, the apology is not. They’re looking to see how much they can get away with and the apology is only meant to cover their tracks. Someone who respects your boundaries, wouldn’t be testing them. So, in doing so, they show that either (a) they lack the social awareness to understand why this might make you uncomfortable (🚩) or (b) they are aware, and they don’t care (🚩🚩🚩). Either way, it’s the same outcome.
“Test and Apologize” can be sneaky. It can seem like a small enough misdemeanour that they can easily accuse you of overreacting if you make a big deal out of it. However, it’s a low-key abuse tactic that’s only likely to worsen over time.
At that point, I knew I should block him, but the people-pleaser in me felt too bad not to say anything. So, I explained my unease. I told him his assumption of us spending the day together felt as though he had much higher expectations than I did. Then, I said I was no longer comfortable seeing him. I should have blocked him as soon as I hit send.
Brody responded saying I was making “insane” assumptions about his intentions and that he had no idea the “mental gymnastics” I went through to come to that conclusion. He got angry at me for “overcomplicating” things. Then finally, he accused me of needing to work on myself and blocked me.
I had calmly and rationally explained my feelings and he turned around and unnecessarily attacked my character. This is known as a manipulation tactic called DARVO. Deny any wrongdoing, Attack the victim, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Though my mind was already made up, this just reinforced that I had made the right decision. This type of person would never validate my perspective.
By explaining myself, I only gave him ammunition to further manipulate me. Which, however, proves the pattern; that the abuse only escalates.
The next time I encountered the “Test and Apologize”, I blocked immediately without further explanation.
If you’re a woman or non-binary person, you can join the Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group here! It truly has been a game-changer. Though, fair warning you’ll spend far more time blocking than actually dating. (Which as an introvert, certainly has its perks!)